Struggling through my hangover, which wasn’t as bad as I expected, I forced myself to sit up. “What the hell are you doing?”
“We,” Dave said as he dropped next to me on the bed, “are filling out an online dating profile for our landlord and master.”
I opened my mouth and then closed it. I opened it again, thought better of it and closed it again.
“Are you trying to say, ‘bah humma humma bah bah humma’?” asked Dave.
“You?” I finally managed. “But… Wait a minute. What are you doing?”
Frank had plugged the camera into the computer and was clearly uploading the picture Dave just took.
Peter walked over to the end of the bed and sat down. “Man, you needed a push. Or you weren’t like, you know, going to move. So we’re like pushing you, man. We’re pushing with love.”
Pointing to my dresser, “Is that antibacterial soap? So bad for, you know, like Earth and all.”
Things were starting to get a little clearer. “You’re filling out a dating profile for me?”
“Yes,” said Warren, “But wrong tense, dude. ‘Filled.’ We’ve ‘filled’ out a dating profile for you.”
Frank chirped in, “And now just this second as I click the mouse on this this button here I am sending it out into the ether to be posted for many a fine fine lady to see you Allen to see if they hunger and thirst for your sleeping form and a hot form it is I would say if that doesn’t make you uncomfortable because I mean that in the best possible unisexual way.”
“You’ve posted it!?” I flung myself out of bed, knocking Peter onto the floor. “I can’t believe you guys! You can’t do that!” I pushed Frank out of the chair and tried to figure out how to stop whatever it was he had been doing. But now the blood had rushed from my head and I couldn’t even focus.
“Relax,” said Dave lying back in my bed, arms crossed behind his head, “we did the barest essentials. Age, heterosexual, single, no children.”
“You don’t have any children, do you, dude?” asked Warren as he opened up my closet. “We weren’t sure. Far as we know, you have some fuckin’ five year old stashed in one of the thousand hidey holes in this place.”
“Nice boxers by the way,” said Dave, “Add stuff to your profile at your own leisure. Sometimes you need help with the first step. Even a baby needs help with its first step as it walks down life’s road.”
My head was hurting. “Guys, I appreciate the thought. I really do, but Ican take care of my own life.”
“Really? That is still unclear.” Dave got up and walked to the door. “Allen, Frank will go make you some breakfast. Something normal and filling, okay? Go take a shower. Think about it. Don’t decide now. Wake up a bit first.”
They all exited the room, leaving me staring at the screen. There was my profile on something called Aflutter.com. They had picked “HaplessFool5” as my screen name. There was my picture. Actually, that’s a pretty good picture of me. Underneath that was my age and my city. “Looking for woman for dating, friendship, play.” What’s ‘play’? A bunch of other questions they had left blank.
Under “Who am I?” it said, “Lighting designer. Homeowner. All around cool cat. Good taste in friends. I like my scotch but not to excess. Nothing to sneeze at.” Under “Who are you?” it said, “Smart woman with a laugh to shatter my soul, smarts to confound my mind, and a heart to send me flying. Must like making out, canoodling, snuggling, spooning and any combination of the above. If you know that dreams don’t stop at thirty, you may be it.”
A little flashing picture of an eye in the upper corner caught my attention. I clicked it and it went to a new page. I looked at it, still a bit foggy and tried to make sense of it.
“Guys!” I yelled. “Guys! I got a ‘wink’ from someone called Pixiesticks. What the hell is a ‘wink’?”
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